The constant support of friends is deeply touching and brings (more) tears to my eyes. My gratitude to all of you is heartfelt and boundless.
I wish I could say that Alex is the only sorrow that catches up with me. It's really a little of everything from the abuses of my ex-husband--now two years past--to frustration over my life and hopeless job and financial situation, to loneliness and unrequited love, to body issues, to school, to Alex... Even the house renovation with its lack of privacy and all the minutiae that go with it. It's just all caught up to me.
I count my blessings every day, and I'm grateful that, bottom line, I'm lucky I've got a rent-free roof over my head and a family whose support has gotten me through the worst decade of my life (albeit 5,000 miles remotely). But I'm ready for the struggle to be over, now, because climbing out of the muck and mire is as exhausting as plugging through it, and I'm so very tired.
I'm feeling better today, though still emotionally overburdoned. I don't mind when others learn the story about the loss of my son, Alex--or anything else, really--through the grapevine. In fact, I'm sick to death of explaining to anyone what happened with my son, and I avoid having to do so as much as possible. It's better when people know, but it's easier to not have to explain that my son doesn't live with me and then answer the plethora of questions that inevitably follow. I live with his absence every single day, and reliving his loss through each retelling is another scratching away of the scab of a huge wound that wants desperately to heal.
When I periodically post my pain on facebook, in whichever form that's prevalent at the time, it's not an attention-seeking effort. It's done from the need to express the pain and rid myself of it. The need to get it out becomes greater than the fear that others will think I'm looking for attention.
Thank you, again. My appreciation is greater than I can express. Truly. Much Love, Joy, and Laughter to all of you!
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