I'm not really sure what to write about today; I've really gotten out of the writing habit. The new job is going very well. By the end of this week, I'll have been there two months already, and will have then moved out of my probationary period.
My husband is working nights while searching for a position more suitable to his experience. He has one very good possibility lined up and is in the midst of arranging for his second interview. He has another interview coming up at the end of the week for an even more suitable position that pays quite well. Good for him.
I'm in the midst of personal flux, myself. As I said, the job is going well, and I'm still trying to decide if I want to go back to school. See, the idea of it makes me really really tired. And, who knows if I will find a teaching position after I get my certificate???
Aside from that, I'm quite certain that when it comes time to strike out on our own... Well, let me say that I'm very very apprehensive about living alone with my husband again. He won't change his ways. He'll always drink. He'll always be controlling. He'll always...
I won't go any further. I've said it all before, and there's no point in rehashing it. If we buy a house or rent an apartment together after this, there will be a honeymoon period when things are great and new and exciting... and then they will decline into their former state and I'll be as miserable as before, if not more so. I don't want to live like that again...
And that's why I wanted to return to the States.
What I'm trying to say, without saying it, and am going to say it anyway, is that it's very likely that I'm going to leave him in the coming months. I fluctuate between hating him when he's crazy and feeling guilty for leading him on when he's sane... It's a terrible roller coaster ride.
I'd be lying if I said that I didn't plan to leave him sometime after we returned to the US. Of course I planned to. But I also thought it would be a few years down the road. But the longer I'm in the position of exercising my individuality--my independence--when not under the thumb of dear hubby (and as long as we live in my parents' home, I'm not under this thumb anymore), the more it depresses me to even think about sharing a household with him again. Once we leave, he will work swiftly to put those old constraints back into place.
But, before I drop the bomb, I want to make sure he's employed and able to take care of himself. I don't plan to do that until I can't persuade him to wait any longer to leave. By then, I'll have gotten my own ducks lined up and an attorney retained... He won't contest a divorce. But things might get dirty when it comes to custody. As soon as I tell him, he'll insist on taking our son with him when he moves out. He's already threatened to do so.
Also, I've been rewriting someone's autobiographical novel. That's been up and down, as well, and keeping me quite busy.
My son is doing really well here. He's adjusted easily to school, and enjoys it very much. It's wonderful to see him beginning to read and taking a delight in books and sounding out the words he's trying to write. His ESL (English as a Second Language) teacher called my husband the other day to say how phenomenally well he's doing in her class. That's what she said, that his progress was "phenomenal". We're very proud of him. He gets frustrated that he can't spell very much, yet, and that when he writes me or his grandpa a note, we need help deciphering his words. But I reassured him over and over this morning that learning new things takes time, and that one day it will be easy for him as long as he keeps practicing.
He's going to be Batman for Halloween this year.
I'm glad to be home.
A few weeks ago, a friend asked me, "So, do you miss Germany, yet?"
And I said, "No way. Every day I remember why I wanted to come back, and I'm ecstatic to be here again."
And it's true.
This is where I belong.
