Simple needs, not simply got

You know...  All I want is to be openly loved by the man I love and to be a part of his life.  Is that so much to ask?  I'd like my son back, too, but these things are out of my control.  

Such simple things, love and family, and yet... so effing complicated and out of reach.  I'm not a difficult person to love.  And I'm not a bad mother.  I'm good, kind, understanding, patient...  But these two things--the love of my man and the love and presence of my son, the absence of which leave such holes in my heart--constantly evade me.

I'm not a person to bemoan my fate and ask, "Why me?"  But today, I'm feeling at my outermost limit.  Why can't anything ever be normal for me?  When will things get better?  My heart hurts.  And I'm so very tired.

When will I have love?

Will I ever have my son?

Such simple things, but not simply got.

Weekly Writing Goals

My writing goal for the week:
One complete flash fiction piece, 1000 words or less.

Writing goal for the month:
Two completed pieces of flash fiction ready for submission to two writing contests. Each 1000 words or less. Deadline, June 25.

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Published with Blogger-droid v1.7.0

Update:  7-12-2011  Screw the weekly writing goals!

Every Day is a Lazy Day

I just saw this video from Bruno Mars's Lazy Song.  I liked it so much I wanted to keep it forever in my blog and share it with all my friends!  No, I don't live in a cave.  Yes, I'm familiar with the song, I hear it all the time on the radio.  And while this catchy tune often plays on the radio and bounces around in the back of my head while I drive, I've never paid much more attention to it than to bob my head and tap the steering wheel in time with the beat.

But after watching the vid, it's more than a catchy tune.  Bruno Mars has a sense of humor, and that always captures my attention.

So here it is...  Enjoy!

UPDATE 11-16-2013:  
This vid still makes me smile, still one of my faves.  Need a smile on your face?  Watch this to lift your spirits.

During Lunch, Between Storms

During lunch, yesterday, I sat beneath a tree, listening to rainwater drip through its leaves.  Together with the ambient odor of cigarette smoke, it brought me back to my days at Faire. 

This picture was taken between severe thunderstorms.  The mist wasn't visible except on the image.  I took three photos, each with the same mist.  It wasn't cigarette smoke, just an interesting effect of the light through the trees, refracting off the moisture in the air.  

1993.  My first year at the Bristol Renaissance Faire.  That's me standing in the middle of the frame, in red and blue, playing recorder.  Two seasons later found me as Assistant Music Director, actor, and founder of Tabardynn, my recorder duo.  First with Erica (the young lady in blue, far right), and then with Lori a few years later. It looks dry in the picture, but I'm fairly certain it rained like crazy later in the day...  In the beginning, Erica and I splashed in the puddles during the rain.  Later on, we learned it was far preferable to find cover somewhere and stay as dry as possible--which wasn't very dry at all!

'Shrooms!

I found these mushrooms at Angela's, today...

All in a day's work at clinical...

My resident in clinical this week is a wonderfully sweet woman who came to the US from Germany when she was 16. She was born in 1916.

She's been at this place for some time, and recently had been confused to the point that she can't understand or speak her native German, and can't answer where she came from or when. It's rather tragic;  she's a very gentle, endearing woman, and I've been told her family are also very nice.

I suppose it goes without saying that aside from her diagnosed Alzheimer's, she also suffers mild compulsive disorder. She snaps out of her stupor when she's toileted, at which time she shouts that the bathroom isn't clean. Of course, it's very clean.  It didn't surprise me one bit that this old German woman would be hyper-concerned about the state of cleanliness of her toilet.

That aside, she's become my very favorite resident. 

Today, a mother duck and her ducklings were ushered from the enclosed courtyard, indoors across the hallway, and out to the front of the building. The mother led the ducklings (ushered by the maintenance man) across the hall and outside again.  She stood to the side beneath a tree and honked loudly, calling to her fowl crew. 

A few made it across the hall from courtyard to front yard without incident. The others escaped, avoiding the herding humans and scampering around the human barricade to scatter this way and that down the hallway. Some were shooed outside.  Others had to be picked up and placed outside.

It was quite a sight, and I was delighted to be a part of it (I was asked to hold open the door leading to the front yard). I so wanted to pick up one of the ducklings, but was afraid to scent them and have them rejected by the mother. I'm actually a little worried for the ones who had been picked up. The maintenance guy pooh-poohed someone's concern by saying, "Oh, they have a bunch of new ones every year!"

It seems this is a yearly occurrence and nothing new to the maintenance man and other staff.  That inner courtyard is a nice safe place to nest and sit on the eggs... Until they hatch and can't get out. The mother duck can fly in and out, but the babies can't.

Finding Nemo

Finding Nemo

In the science building, there's a salt water aquarium that has a few anemones, a Dory fish and three Nemo fish that I could find.

Two of the Nemo fish are little, about what you'd expect, still young.

The third is fat and nearly as big as the Dory fish. Duskier in color than the other two Nemo fish. Obviously the Grandpa of the three. He's big.

Grandaddy Nemo.  Clownfish at WCC Science Building.

Just woke up from a crazy dream.

Just woke up from a crazy dream.

I was in Germany, and someone--a man, my grandpa?--took Alex after school and brought him to the place I was staying (my mother-in-law's!). I was terrified he'd be found before we got on the plane the next morning, and that he'd be taken away again. I was so happy to have him back, I cried and cried... But afraid to rejoice, in case we didn't make it back home together.

There was a bath involved, with a turtle, dry laundry hanging over the tub and falling into the water, another missing child found naked under the dry-then-wet laundry in the bath tub. His mother came for him, they went home. My mother-in-law was weirdly cooperative. I was irritated I had to speak german again, but managed.

There was getting ready for a Pink Floyd concert and a concert t-shirt. I looked thin yet curvy soft in the mirror. I was pretty, and surprised and pleased by that. I was with a man. He was Jeff. He loved me, and was proud of me. 

Then I found myself in a foot race. I ran fast... And won. It wasn't like running-thru-cement dreamtime running. I was fast! Alex and my parents were there, and they were proud of me. Esp Alex.

Then we were home and Mom, Dad and I were at Alex's first bike race (???). We were very proud of him, and he was beginning to loosen up around us. He wasn't upset about being with us and away from his dad, but he was shy and uncertain. He was happy to be with me again.

At the race, there was rain, an arrogant boy we at first mistook for Alex. But Alex was the quiet, wise one.

There were lots of parents.

After the race, there was the whole group, parents and kids, under the same shelter from the rain. There was an issue with a young woman and I desperate for a bathroom and using the nearby bathtub for lack of a toilet.

There were predatory animals (recurrent theme) passing through in a kind of show-and-tell parade. These animals were an alligator, a wolf, a panther which particularly sniffed around me for a long time, then walked away. I was terrified and worried that my fear was of yummy interest to the panther, but he finally moved on.

After the race, someone, an evil man, (old, thin, scrawny, wily, and a crazy-Amish-farmer look about him) took Alex and ran away down this labyrinth of horse stalls. I chased after them and found the man in a stall. He was standing on a stool brandishing a hammer at a cluster of people, intending to kill them with it. I snuck up on him, attacked his legs with something, missed. Strick out again, missed again. He swiped at me once, twice... Missed, turned himself into a pair of very large pencils.

I grabbed them, then smashed them to bits against a pole. I was worried the pieces would reanimate into the evil man again, but thought burning them should take care of the matter.

I woke up after the killing.

It sounds like a terrible dream, but looking at it from the other side, it's really about succeeding over all obstacles. I came out on top in every situation.

Phone Gizmos: Ultra Mate Diary for Android

Oh boy. A new journal. This one's on my phone, which I think is a great idea. I can write on the go, anytime, anywhere, and I don't have to bring my notebook with me. I can backup to my SD card, email entries to myself and others, then just copy and paste to the journal program on my laptop. The best part is that, when using the Swype or trace function on your mobile, it's faster--and funner--than writing by hand...

UM Diary.  Not to be confused
with Ultra Mate Diary 1.0

Ultra Mate Diary Key

Look for UM Diary, by Urmobilife, in the Android Market. There's a free version, and a paid-for version.  You can purchase the "key" after installing the journal itself, which unlocks some nifty extras, including fonts, styles and other pretty little trinkets.  Life is peachy without those add-ons, but they make journalling on your phone that much more interesting. 

 

Ultra Notes

As if that isn't enough, for all you list makers and note takers out there, give Ultra Note a try, by the same developers.  Your life will never be the same.