It's ending so fast. I thought I'd have more time than this...
Tonight is my final night on the computer. As soon as I write this, I'll be restoring it and closing it down forever. I won't be writing again until after our arrival in Chicago on the 25th. I'd hoped to respond to everyone's comments and return everyone's visits, but it just can't happen until the move is over.
I wish everyone happy, light and peaceful thoughts until after I get back. Thanks for reading, and I'll see you soon!
Wish us luck!
Friday, July 14, 2006
It's ending so fast. I thought I'd have more time than this...
Tonight is my final night on the computer. As soon as I write this, I'll be restoring it and closing it down forever. I won't be writing again until after our arrival in Chicago on the 25th.
I wish everyone happy, light and peaceful thoughts until after I get back.
Thanks for reading, and I'll see you soon!
Wish us luck!
I wish everyone happy, light and peaceful thoughts until after I get back.
Thanks for reading, and I'll see you soon!
Wish us luck!
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
A Welcome Change of Pace
I have the whole day to myself. What a gift! My visiting mother-in-law took the car and my son into Stuttgart today to attend to some personal business, leaving me all alone, without a care in the world (almost), without having to disrupt my musings to pick up son from kindergarten or make lunch, except to bring up the laundry every hour or so to dry in the sun in the backyard... It's a day of peace much craved for.
We have these birds that soar the sky around our house. I've wondered all this time what they are. They aren't hawks, of that I was certain. Could they be eagles? I couldn't find anything to compare them to on the Internet, except for a few mp3s of eagles' cries. These birds sound pretty similar to what I heard, so I decided they must be a type of eagle indigenous to the area, which delighted me. We don't have eagles in the Illinois flatlands, where I come from.
My husband thought they were small for eagles. And a recent close-up view of a circling bird showed that the tail was not straight across, as an eagle's tail feathers should be, but scooped in the middle. I finally had to admit that the birds were not eagles.
Last week, I ran into a neighbor who was cutting his lawn with a scythe. He doesn't really have a lawn, per se, if you define a lawn as having an expanse of smooth green grass soft enough to walk barefoot on. Neither do we, for that matter. Instead, his yard is typically hip-deep in weeds of varying types. Our co-neighbors, an old couple in their 80s who keep a very large vegetable garden and chicken coop to sustain themselves, had recently complained to him about his weeds infesting their garden with baby weeds. So he was out in his yard the next day with a scythe, the only tool that not only would cut it all down, but that would fit through the opening to his yard and could be carried up the hill to do the work.
My next-door neighbor, coincidently, is American who hails from Maine. He's been in Germany for 20 years or so. Came here while he was in the Navy, and stayed to work. We don't run into each other often, but our chats sometimes run long when we do. I remembered, during the course of this one, to ask him what those eagle-like birds are.
"I don't know," he said in his distinctive Maine accent. "I only know the German word for them, which someone told me when I asked a few years back. They're called, Milan."
And that was exactly the information I needed to find out what name I might know them by. A quick reverse-search on the Internet--I googled Milan on the german google.de to find out the latin name then English-googled the latin name to find out the common name in English--revealed that these birds are Red Kites.
And to my gratification, they are related to Hawks and Eagles. So I wasn't so far off the mark as I might have been!
We have these birds that soar the sky around our house. I've wondered all this time what they are. They aren't hawks, of that I was certain. Could they be eagles? I couldn't find anything to compare them to on the Internet, except for a few mp3s of eagles' cries. These birds sound pretty similar to what I heard, so I decided they must be a type of eagle indigenous to the area, which delighted me. We don't have eagles in the Illinois flatlands, where I come from.
My husband thought they were small for eagles. And a recent close-up view of a circling bird showed that the tail was not straight across, as an eagle's tail feathers should be, but scooped in the middle. I finally had to admit that the birds were not eagles.
Last week, I ran into a neighbor who was cutting his lawn with a scythe. He doesn't really have a lawn, per se, if you define a lawn as having an expanse of smooth green grass soft enough to walk barefoot on. Neither do we, for that matter. Instead, his yard is typically hip-deep in weeds of varying types. Our co-neighbors, an old couple in their 80s who keep a very large vegetable garden and chicken coop to sustain themselves, had recently complained to him about his weeds infesting their garden with baby weeds. So he was out in his yard the next day with a scythe, the only tool that not only would cut it all down, but that would fit through the opening to his yard and could be carried up the hill to do the work.
My next-door neighbor, coincidently, is American who hails from Maine. He's been in Germany for 20 years or so. Came here while he was in the Navy, and stayed to work. We don't run into each other often, but our chats sometimes run long when we do. I remembered, during the course of this one, to ask him what those eagle-like birds are.
"I don't know," he said in his distinctive Maine accent. "I only know the German word for them, which someone told me when I asked a few years back. They're called, Milan."
And that was exactly the information I needed to find out what name I might know them by. A quick reverse-search on the Internet--I googled Milan on the german google.de to find out the latin name then English-googled the latin name to find out the common name in English--revealed that these birds are Red Kites.
And to my gratification, they are related to Hawks and Eagles. So I wasn't so far off the mark as I might have been!
Monday, July 10, 2006
We've Settled on a Date!
After a year of quiet, white-knuckled uncertainty, it's finally official. On July 25, just two days before my 36th birthday, my son and I will return to the Chicago area once and for all, with my husband following behind shortly after.
It'll be good to be home again.
In the meantime, I received a giant e-mail from my best friend in Chicago, who recently returned from a trip with her hubby to Central Mexico, where they experienced an intense religious ceremony conducted by a local sha-woman, involving a specific type of mushroom. My friend told me what knowledge she had walked away with, comparing it to a similar South American rite they'd participated in last year. Reading her letter made me experience an intense gush of love for this woman, reminding me how important she's been during the decade (lifetimes) of friendship we've shared. How much I'm looking forward to being closer proximity to her again, I can't convey.
Things have gotten dramatic in the house since last I wrote. Hubby tried to throw MiL out last Thursday, but none of the other brothers would take her in (isn't that sad and scary and pathetic all at once?), so here she's staying for the next two weeks, with no relief in site. After that big scare she's been on super-good behavior, but the tension in the air is thick, and it's only a matter of time before there's another blow-out.
I'm trying not to feel put-upon that during my final two weeks in this house I'll have to pack up and say goodbye to the house and the scenery around her constant presence, struggling to take my peace where I can and to ease the obvious strain on my son.
But then, my family and I will soon be descending upon my parents in much the same way, won't we? I like to think we're nicer and easier to get along with than MiL, but it'll still be a strain, and probably most significantly on my mom and husband, for reasons of their own.
Must be tolerant. Must learn from this experience...
But at least we're going to Chicago... I thought I'd reached Nirvana when my husband had given me a digital camera for my birthday. But this return to my stomping grounds is the present of a lifetime. I only hope my husband's emigration proves to be as rewarding to him, as this move means to me.
It'll be good to be home again.
In the meantime, I received a giant e-mail from my best friend in Chicago, who recently returned from a trip with her hubby to Central Mexico, where they experienced an intense religious ceremony conducted by a local sha-woman, involving a specific type of mushroom. My friend told me what knowledge she had walked away with, comparing it to a similar South American rite they'd participated in last year. Reading her letter made me experience an intense gush of love for this woman, reminding me how important she's been during the decade (lifetimes) of friendship we've shared. How much I'm looking forward to being closer proximity to her again, I can't convey.
Things have gotten dramatic in the house since last I wrote. Hubby tried to throw MiL out last Thursday, but none of the other brothers would take her in (isn't that sad and scary and pathetic all at once?), so here she's staying for the next two weeks, with no relief in site. After that big scare she's been on super-good behavior, but the tension in the air is thick, and it's only a matter of time before there's another blow-out.
I'm trying not to feel put-upon that during my final two weeks in this house I'll have to pack up and say goodbye to the house and the scenery around her constant presence, struggling to take my peace where I can and to ease the obvious strain on my son.
But then, my family and I will soon be descending upon my parents in much the same way, won't we? I like to think we're nicer and easier to get along with than MiL, but it'll still be a strain, and probably most significantly on my mom and husband, for reasons of their own.
Must be tolerant. Must learn from this experience...
But at least we're going to Chicago... I thought I'd reached Nirvana when my husband had given me a digital camera for my birthday. But this return to my stomping grounds is the present of a lifetime. I only hope my husband's emigration proves to be as rewarding to him, as this move means to me.
Wednesday, July 5, 2006
The calm before the storm?
The July 4 cookout went quite well. I did explain to MoL that we were having an authentic American meal: Hamburgers and hotdogs that each builds him/herself with onions, tomatoes, lettuce, cheese, or whatever captures you imagination (my son topped his hamburger with potato chips!), chips, corn on the cob... MoL made tzaziki, which is a garlic dip made with sour cream, several garlic cloves, and cucumbers. Europeans seems to eat what we consider dip with a spoon or fork, often without the benefit of bread, crackers or chips. And then I told her why I made so much, so there was some pleasant conversation on that topic, and she informed me that Greece also has a couple of similar national holidays that are celebrated. Our meal was big, and my dangerously crabby husband lightened up considerably after weighting down his belly with huge helpings of everything.
In last night's World Cup game, Germany lost against Italy when Italy scored twice in quick succession during the second-half of the overtime of a 0:0 game. It was a blow to Germany, and we're now out of the finals. It's now down to France against Portugal (who beat England in the quarterfinals and sent the Tommys back home, alas. I had been holding out for England, anglophile that I am) tonight. The winner of that game, I guess, will play Italy, determining the winner of the World Cup. We're feeling a little sour about Italy right now, so we're rooting for France.
I had an interesting conversation with MoL during breakfast this morning. I had told her that I was accustomed to eating our big meals at lunchtime (a German custom), so when I hadn't had lunch yesterday and then ate my hamburger at 7 pm, it was way too much for me. My belly hurt. I couldn't finish my corn on the cob or drink my wine. I was uncomfortable for hours afterward. That opened it up for her to say that she's surprised that I have such a difficult time losing weight. I eat less than she, and yet... She asked if I had ever gone to the doctor to have something-or-other tested. I didn't catch what she said, but I guessed what she meant. I gestured toward my throat, and said, "Schilddrüse?" Thyroid? She said yes, and before I could answer her (and I didn't get the chance to answer the question at all), she corrected me by explaining that the thyroid isn't just in the throat but in the belly and thighs, as well, and then she moved on to another topic.
When someone else's information conflicts with my own, I often give it the benefit of the doubt in the moment I hear it, then later on check the validity of my own information to see what I might have mistaken or misunderstood. In Wikipedia.de, I looked up Schilddrüse, because it could be very possible that my understanding of the German word might have been inaccurate. I already know very well that the THYROID is located in the throat, in front of, and on either side of, the windpipe. But maybe I've been misunderstanding SCHILDDRÜSE all this time?
What I didn't get to tell her was that, yes, our village doctor had drawn blood to test my thyroid, but she didn't believe the results were significant enough to send me to an endocrinologist to do further testing. She just told me to walk around more, be more active. I didn't explain to her that I walk my son to and from kindergarten most days, which involves a hike up a steep gradient, and that, in fact, I had walked to her office that morning, as well. I'd decided to just leave it for when I could handle my health in my own country, in my own language.
Anway, after consulting Wikipedia.de, it turns out my information or translation wasn't mistaken.
My husband has barraged me over the years with a whole catalogue of misinformed health facts. While his education might have been... incomplete, even though he attended gymnasium and later aquired a certificate equivalent to a BS in business and internation trade, I lay the blame mostly at his mother's feet. She had had to drop out of school in Greece when she was 12 years old. She has a quick mind, but no education to back it up. I'm not criticizing her, I'm just pointing out a fact.
I considered whether I might print up the Wikipedia thyroid information, but then wondered what good would it do? But then, she might take it the wrong way and be insulted. And is it really worth it? I certainly don't want to do it do boost my own ego, to score a point against her... But might she want to know?
So things are calm here, now, and I'm grateful for it. I like peacefulness and harmony and quietude. But from years of experience, it's an ordeal of walking on pins and needles worse than when it's just my husband and myself. An explosive fight eventually breaks out between hubby and MoL, which results in MoL moving on to another son's home, where another fight breaks out, and she either moves on to the third son's home, or she hops on the next place back to Greece. That has been the pattern. She's been taking anti-psychotic and anit-anxiety drugs--at least she had been when she was here during the winter, though I've seen no evidence of them now, and I'm not about to snoop--and I see the difference in her even from last February.
Maybe that's helping keep the peace...? I've got my fingers crossed that all remains as peaceful as it has been the last 24 hours, and that this isn't the calm before the storm.
But then, a purely selfish thought just occured to me: The sooner she leaves, the sooner we will get stateside. Hmm. Maybe I will print up that article, after all...
In last night's World Cup game, Germany lost against Italy when Italy scored twice in quick succession during the second-half of the overtime of a 0:0 game. It was a blow to Germany, and we're now out of the finals. It's now down to France against Portugal (who beat England in the quarterfinals and sent the Tommys back home, alas. I had been holding out for England, anglophile that I am) tonight. The winner of that game, I guess, will play Italy, determining the winner of the World Cup. We're feeling a little sour about Italy right now, so we're rooting for France.
I had an interesting conversation with MoL during breakfast this morning. I had told her that I was accustomed to eating our big meals at lunchtime (a German custom), so when I hadn't had lunch yesterday and then ate my hamburger at 7 pm, it was way too much for me. My belly hurt. I couldn't finish my corn on the cob or drink my wine. I was uncomfortable for hours afterward. That opened it up for her to say that she's surprised that I have such a difficult time losing weight. I eat less than she, and yet... She asked if I had ever gone to the doctor to have something-or-other tested. I didn't catch what she said, but I guessed what she meant. I gestured toward my throat, and said, "Schilddrüse?" Thyroid? She said yes, and before I could answer her (and I didn't get the chance to answer the question at all), she corrected me by explaining that the thyroid isn't just in the throat but in the belly and thighs, as well, and then she moved on to another topic.
When someone else's information conflicts with my own, I often give it the benefit of the doubt in the moment I hear it, then later on check the validity of my own information to see what I might have mistaken or misunderstood. In Wikipedia.de, I looked up Schilddrüse, because it could be very possible that my understanding of the German word might have been inaccurate. I already know very well that the THYROID is located in the throat, in front of, and on either side of, the windpipe. But maybe I've been misunderstanding SCHILDDRÜSE all this time?
What I didn't get to tell her was that, yes, our village doctor had drawn blood to test my thyroid, but she didn't believe the results were significant enough to send me to an endocrinologist to do further testing. She just told me to walk around more, be more active. I didn't explain to her that I walk my son to and from kindergarten most days, which involves a hike up a steep gradient, and that, in fact, I had walked to her office that morning, as well. I'd decided to just leave it for when I could handle my health in my own country, in my own language.
Anway, after consulting Wikipedia.de, it turns out my information or translation wasn't mistaken.
My husband has barraged me over the years with a whole catalogue of misinformed health facts. While his education might have been... incomplete, even though he attended gymnasium and later aquired a certificate equivalent to a BS in business and internation trade, I lay the blame mostly at his mother's feet. She had had to drop out of school in Greece when she was 12 years old. She has a quick mind, but no education to back it up. I'm not criticizing her, I'm just pointing out a fact.
I considered whether I might print up the Wikipedia thyroid information, but then wondered what good would it do? But then, she might take it the wrong way and be insulted. And is it really worth it? I certainly don't want to do it do boost my own ego, to score a point against her... But might she want to know?
So things are calm here, now, and I'm grateful for it. I like peacefulness and harmony and quietude. But from years of experience, it's an ordeal of walking on pins and needles worse than when it's just my husband and myself. An explosive fight eventually breaks out between hubby and MoL, which results in MoL moving on to another son's home, where another fight breaks out, and she either moves on to the third son's home, or she hops on the next place back to Greece. That has been the pattern. She's been taking anti-psychotic and anit-anxiety drugs--at least she had been when she was here during the winter, though I've seen no evidence of them now, and I'm not about to snoop--and I see the difference in her even from last February.
Maybe that's helping keep the peace...? I've got my fingers crossed that all remains as peaceful as it has been the last 24 hours, and that this isn't the calm before the storm.
But then, a purely selfish thought just occured to me: The sooner she leaves, the sooner we will get stateside. Hmm. Maybe I will print up that article, after all...
Tuesday, July 4, 2006
A thank-you to everyone...
I just wanted to post a general thank you to everyone who has commented, especially the lovely ones concerning not my last post, but the one before, and my newest poem. I'm basically out of the reading and commenting circuit for the time being, and what stolen moments I can find are dedicated to writing "quickies" of any type: blogs, poetry, frozen scenes between people that get stuck in my head.
As soon as I can get back into the swing of things, I will return each and every comment in kind.
The Bad News: The atmosphere continues to thicken around here and we've had our first major scene late last night... Unfortunately, it was between me and my husband, resulting from a half-bottle of whisky he'd quietly, yet efficiently, poured down his throat; his bad mood; my having forgotten to record yesterday's Tour de France etappe, save for the last hour; and my MoL criticizing hubby about his bad behavior toward me.
The Good News (and perhaps the most disturbing): The mother-in-law and I have come to a better understanding of one another. Unfortunately, it's come under unpleasant circumstances... and it doesn't absolve her of her ceaselessly selfish behavior.
I did feel confident enough, however, to question why she doesn't switch her health insurance from Germany to Greece, thereby eliminating the need to make dozens of dr appointments every time she visits and putting her family out (namely me) to drive her all the way the heck into Stuttgart, to spend the day chauffering her to them all--and having to drag my kid out of kindergarten to do it. Her response, "Well, the insurance is better from Germany." My response, "But you LIVE in Greece, and you put everyone out to accomodate you and to conduct your personal business for you (a touchy issue separate from the health insurance one)..." And besides, no one ever asked ME if such and such a day is a good one for me to take the day off to drive her around all over der Vaterland...
Maybe this time my husband will let her take the car. I doubt it, but I can hope.
Or maybe she'll take the train, though I doubt hubby will let her.
Oh, and by the way, Happy 4th of July to all you fellow Amis out there. I've got a cookout ready to start. I hope it goes peacefully and the the only fireworks I see tonight are the ones from the few other Americans in our community lighting the skies.
As soon as I can get back into the swing of things, I will return each and every comment in kind.
The Bad News: The atmosphere continues to thicken around here and we've had our first major scene late last night... Unfortunately, it was between me and my husband, resulting from a half-bottle of whisky he'd quietly, yet efficiently, poured down his throat; his bad mood; my having forgotten to record yesterday's Tour de France etappe, save for the last hour; and my MoL criticizing hubby about his bad behavior toward me.
The Good News (and perhaps the most disturbing): The mother-in-law and I have come to a better understanding of one another. Unfortunately, it's come under unpleasant circumstances... and it doesn't absolve her of her ceaselessly selfish behavior.
I did feel confident enough, however, to question why she doesn't switch her health insurance from Germany to Greece, thereby eliminating the need to make dozens of dr appointments every time she visits and putting her family out (namely me) to drive her all the way the heck into Stuttgart, to spend the day chauffering her to them all--and having to drag my kid out of kindergarten to do it. Her response, "Well, the insurance is better from Germany." My response, "But you LIVE in Greece, and you put everyone out to accomodate you and to conduct your personal business for you (a touchy issue separate from the health insurance one)..." And besides, no one ever asked ME if such and such a day is a good one for me to take the day off to drive her around all over der Vaterland...
Maybe this time my husband will let her take the car. I doubt it, but I can hope.
Or maybe she'll take the train, though I doubt hubby will let her.
Oh, and by the way, Happy 4th of July to all you fellow Amis out there. I've got a cookout ready to start. I hope it goes peacefully and the the only fireworks I see tonight are the ones from the few other Americans in our community lighting the skies.
Monday, July 3, 2006
It's getting emotional around here...
My mother-in-law is walking to the Rathaus (a rather telling name for a town hall, isn't it? Rat house?), accompanied by my son. She has some unfinished business there regarding her status as a resident of our village and our house. Each time you move, you have to register your new residence and all household members with the local Rathaus. For specific purposes, my mother-in-law, who really lives in Greece, got my husband to register her as a resident of our household.
A few weeks ago, my husband un-registered her because of our impending emigration. But now, she's over there, tending to her own business, (for once not making my husband do it for her), and what it involves specifically I'm not sure. No one in our community knows yet that we're leaving, for reasons of my husband's own, and there some concern MoL will let something slip while she's at the rat house... oops, I mean Rathaus.
So, MoL has been here since Saturday. Things have been going fairly smoothly, I suppose. I've gone out of my way to be accomodating and to at least meet her somewhere between what she wishes I were and what I am. I'm gratified that for once she knows her place as a guest and doesn't walk around here with the attitude that it all belongs to her. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that she's no longer an official member of our household. It might also have to do with the dramatic parting between her and my husband last February and that she no longer has the hold on him that she used to. And it might even have something to do with a certain amount of drama and line-drawing between me and her, as well. Or maybe I'm simply being territorial, but I don't think that's entirely it, either. You have to witness it to understand it.
I did notice that, starting on day one, she speaks low to my husband when I'm out of the room, diving headlong into her campaign to convince my husband that moving is a bad idea. She either thinks that I can't hear, or that I don't understand. She's said a few disparaging things about me, as usual, centering around my feeble German skills (though not as feeble as she likes to think), comparing me with how when she was as a fresh immigrant from Greece at age 17 or 18. In some ways, she's right, in others she's being unfair. She sees me as the prime mover behind our emigration, and she's right in the sense that, if her son hadn't married me he wouldn't be doing this. But it's a decision we've come to together.
Sunday, I could tell that my husband was beginning to feel a bit strained by his mother's murmurings, and Sunday night, he asked when she's leaving. He'd told me earlier that day that she'd said she was going to stay a week, at first, but now it's indeterminate. It's indicative of her narcissitic nature to constantly change her plans, as if they don't affect anyone else. It's very straining on everyone around her, and my husband has had plenty of experience with this type of behavior from her, even before I came on the scene.
This morning, my husband left for work and I prepared breakfast for her and my son. I ignored the fact that, just as I got out of the shower and was towelling off, MoL walked right into the bathroom without knocking to wash her hands. If I hadn't heard her coming and had a hunch she might "forget" to knock, and jumped back into the tub behind the shower curtain, she would have gotten quite an eyeful. Part of me wonders how much her neglect was passive aggression, and how much of it was her thoughtlessly assuming that I might not mind another person just walking into the bathroom while I'm butt-naked. I left it for another day, in the event she does it again.
While we ate, she very defensively broached the subject of our leaving. I have the utmost sympathy for her, and a certain amount of empathy, too, because I've been living in the position of complete separation from my family for seven years with absolutely zero support on this side of the Atlantic. I know how my mother has felt being separated from her eldest daughter (the more stable one, to boot) and her only grandchild. Understandably, MoL is very upset about our moving, and disagrees that it'll be the best thing for us. When I pointed out that I and my family have had to deal with the separation, as well, she said that at least my mother has my sister.
What I didn't mention is that my sister suffers ADD, has been a very large handful even now, as a young adult (25 years), and that MoL also has two other sons and two other grandchildren in Germany, and that maybe she'll have to rethink her priorities, set her pride aside, and work a little harder to maintain a semi-harmonious relationship with those sons and their families.
I was cold towards her, which is generally unlike me, although I was shaken by her burst of emotion and tears. But I knew from experience that she very deftly could turn this around to make the situation all about herself.
Before we got involved in the discussion, I prefaced my initial response with, "I don't want this to be an emotional conversation..." And I didn't. I needed to protect myself, and I wanted to keep things on an even keel for the sake of my son, who was munching away on his Nutellabrot between us. MoL likes drama and can really turn a situation upside down, and I needed to stamp out the fire I saw beginning to smolder.
She didn't like it when I pointed out that she only visits us twice a year, anyway, and what's the difference between visiting us in Germany, or visiting in America. She said she's 61 years old and didn't like the idea of sitting in a plane for hours on end. That she's travelling alone, and that at least my mother has my father to travel with. She said that when she comes to America, she doesn't know the language at all. I said my mother's 60. My father was in Germany once before, seven years ago. The other times mom had visited, she had been alone, too. (My dad actually came a second time, too, three years ago, but I'd forgotten about that. It wouldn't have helped my argument, anyway...), and that my mother doesn't speak a word of German, besides Danke. How is the situation different?
Like I said, I have a lot of sympathy for MoL's situation. I know it very well. But I was irritated, maybe unfairly so, that she has never once given a single thought to how my side of the family has felt, all this time.
At the end, I pointedly told her that I don't want to hurt her, and that our decision to move isn't about her. It isn't about me alone, or my parents or any of my other American family. It's about our own little family, me, my husband and my son, and what we think is best for the three of us as a whole. And that was the end of the conversation.
I tried to be really nice to her after that. I told her I'd bought a big lump of pork roast and that I would really like it if she would show me how she makes her delicious Goulasch. And after complaining that it's too hot to make Goulasch (never mind that it's too hot to boil and fry up big meals in pots and pans, anyway), she said she would.
Tomorrow, perhaps somewhat cruelly, I've planned an Independence Day cookout. I'd be lying if I said that the cookout hadn't put an evil gleam in my eye when I considered the timing of my MoL's visit and her reason for being here (to say goodbye). One might say it's an expression of my own passive aggression, but the party has been planned since before we knew she was coming. I'm really not that mean-spirited.
And anway, after this morning's conversation I've decided not to mention the reason for the mid-week grill party at all.
A few weeks ago, my husband un-registered her because of our impending emigration. But now, she's over there, tending to her own business, (for once not making my husband do it for her), and what it involves specifically I'm not sure. No one in our community knows yet that we're leaving, for reasons of my husband's own, and there some concern MoL will let something slip while she's at the rat house... oops, I mean Rathaus.
So, MoL has been here since Saturday. Things have been going fairly smoothly, I suppose. I've gone out of my way to be accomodating and to at least meet her somewhere between what she wishes I were and what I am. I'm gratified that for once she knows her place as a guest and doesn't walk around here with the attitude that it all belongs to her. It probably has a lot to do with the fact that she's no longer an official member of our household. It might also have to do with the dramatic parting between her and my husband last February and that she no longer has the hold on him that she used to. And it might even have something to do with a certain amount of drama and line-drawing between me and her, as well. Or maybe I'm simply being territorial, but I don't think that's entirely it, either. You have to witness it to understand it.
I did notice that, starting on day one, she speaks low to my husband when I'm out of the room, diving headlong into her campaign to convince my husband that moving is a bad idea. She either thinks that I can't hear, or that I don't understand. She's said a few disparaging things about me, as usual, centering around my feeble German skills (though not as feeble as she likes to think), comparing me with how when she was as a fresh immigrant from Greece at age 17 or 18. In some ways, she's right, in others she's being unfair. She sees me as the prime mover behind our emigration, and she's right in the sense that, if her son hadn't married me he wouldn't be doing this. But it's a decision we've come to together.
Sunday, I could tell that my husband was beginning to feel a bit strained by his mother's murmurings, and Sunday night, he asked when she's leaving. He'd told me earlier that day that she'd said she was going to stay a week, at first, but now it's indeterminate. It's indicative of her narcissitic nature to constantly change her plans, as if they don't affect anyone else. It's very straining on everyone around her, and my husband has had plenty of experience with this type of behavior from her, even before I came on the scene.
This morning, my husband left for work and I prepared breakfast for her and my son. I ignored the fact that, just as I got out of the shower and was towelling off, MoL walked right into the bathroom without knocking to wash her hands. If I hadn't heard her coming and had a hunch she might "forget" to knock, and jumped back into the tub behind the shower curtain, she would have gotten quite an eyeful. Part of me wonders how much her neglect was passive aggression, and how much of it was her thoughtlessly assuming that I might not mind another person just walking into the bathroom while I'm butt-naked. I left it for another day, in the event she does it again.
While we ate, she very defensively broached the subject of our leaving. I have the utmost sympathy for her, and a certain amount of empathy, too, because I've been living in the position of complete separation from my family for seven years with absolutely zero support on this side of the Atlantic. I know how my mother has felt being separated from her eldest daughter (the more stable one, to boot) and her only grandchild. Understandably, MoL is very upset about our moving, and disagrees that it'll be the best thing for us. When I pointed out that I and my family have had to deal with the separation, as well, she said that at least my mother has my sister.
What I didn't mention is that my sister suffers ADD, has been a very large handful even now, as a young adult (25 years), and that MoL also has two other sons and two other grandchildren in Germany, and that maybe she'll have to rethink her priorities, set her pride aside, and work a little harder to maintain a semi-harmonious relationship with those sons and their families.
I was cold towards her, which is generally unlike me, although I was shaken by her burst of emotion and tears. But I knew from experience that she very deftly could turn this around to make the situation all about herself.
Before we got involved in the discussion, I prefaced my initial response with, "I don't want this to be an emotional conversation..." And I didn't. I needed to protect myself, and I wanted to keep things on an even keel for the sake of my son, who was munching away on his Nutellabrot between us. MoL likes drama and can really turn a situation upside down, and I needed to stamp out the fire I saw beginning to smolder.
She didn't like it when I pointed out that she only visits us twice a year, anyway, and what's the difference between visiting us in Germany, or visiting in America. She said she's 61 years old and didn't like the idea of sitting in a plane for hours on end. That she's travelling alone, and that at least my mother has my father to travel with. She said that when she comes to America, she doesn't know the language at all. I said my mother's 60. My father was in Germany once before, seven years ago. The other times mom had visited, she had been alone, too. (My dad actually came a second time, too, three years ago, but I'd forgotten about that. It wouldn't have helped my argument, anyway...), and that my mother doesn't speak a word of German, besides Danke. How is the situation different?
Like I said, I have a lot of sympathy for MoL's situation. I know it very well. But I was irritated, maybe unfairly so, that she has never once given a single thought to how my side of the family has felt, all this time.
At the end, I pointedly told her that I don't want to hurt her, and that our decision to move isn't about her. It isn't about me alone, or my parents or any of my other American family. It's about our own little family, me, my husband and my son, and what we think is best for the three of us as a whole. And that was the end of the conversation.
I tried to be really nice to her after that. I told her I'd bought a big lump of pork roast and that I would really like it if she would show me how she makes her delicious Goulasch. And after complaining that it's too hot to make Goulasch (never mind that it's too hot to boil and fry up big meals in pots and pans, anyway), she said she would.
Tomorrow, perhaps somewhat cruelly, I've planned an Independence Day cookout. I'd be lying if I said that the cookout hadn't put an evil gleam in my eye when I considered the timing of my MoL's visit and her reason for being here (to say goodbye). One might say it's an expression of my own passive aggression, but the party has been planned since before we knew she was coming. I'm really not that mean-spirited.
And anway, after this morning's conversation I've decided not to mention the reason for the mid-week grill party at all.
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